I sit here in my dorm room with nothing to do, nothing but reflect on the thoughts that have been spinning around my mind all weekend. This past Friday night, I attended my old school's production of The Miracle Worker. The show was great, of course, and it was nice to see so many old friends from high school. I got to spend a few hours basking in a little flashback of high school with people who care about me, and it was nice. High school, especially the last year or two, was a dream for me. Almost everyone there appreciated me for who I am. It was at Mingo that I became who I am, and I felt very free there. I was pretty much absolutely in control of how happy I wanted to be. This gave me a lot of trouble when I graduated. I knew I would miss it. All summer I knew I would miss it. When I came up here to college back in August, I still missed it. But, after I was here at NSU for a while, I became distracted enough with school and the goings on here that I forgot all about high school and began to settle in. Since that time, I have lived a mundane existence highlighted by a single really good teacher and my car rides home and back every few weeks. I had become okay with it because I had forgotten what I was missing. But this weekend brought it all back. I had a great time on Friday. I enjoyed myself like I rarely have in the past few months. The excitement of being back with all those people in that building made me feel more alive, more of myself. It was exciting. But now, I sit in this cinder block chamber waiting until my natural processes tell me it's time to sleep. That's what I expect to do now for weeks on end; wait as if with an unreachable itch for each day to pass by. Am I unhappy, sad, angry? No, heaven's no. If all else fails, frail world, I am still Paul Watson (by golly!) and I will always prevail! But am I especially happy? Well, no, I guess not. I am wistful that I will never regain my high school life. In a few days, I'll probably read this and say to myself "Oh, how melodramatic. Silly boy."
P.S. It's nice to have a blog no body reads so one can write out one's thoughts.
